The Unwritten Rules of Power

The plane was delayed. Our seats had been changed, and my niece and I couldn’t sit together. And no, the gate agent assured me, my frequent flyer status didn’t apply here. I was jet-lagged, irritated, and afraid I was going to miss our connection in London.

As I snapped in frustration at the gate agent, I caught my 15-year-old niece looking at me. The expression in her eyes stopped me cold: disappointment.

I suddenly saw myself through her eyes, just another entitled, annoyed American. But not being an adult. The adult. It struck me, in that moment, more than anything, rank is mere presence. Something that carries weight, whether we know it our not. Our power teaches, whether we mean it to or not.

It’s like an unwritten curriculum, the subtle, invisible expectations that come with influence. It shows up in what you say and don’t say. In how you behave when things go wrong. In the tiny moments that tell people what’s okay and what’s not.

This unwritten curriculum exists in both formal and informal power roles. If you’re the boss, people notice:

When you stay off your phone so others feel seen.

When you ask how someone’s doing before diving into business.

When you invite the new hire to coffee because no one else did.

When you end meetings at :50, even if the calendar says :00.

And if you aren’t the boss? You still have power. Maybe you’ve been around the longest. Maybe you’re the team’s emotional glue. Maybe people just look to you for guidance or advice. That counts too. Your smallest behaviors also set a tone:

You volunteer to help onboard the new hire.

You step out of the gossip loop, saying you’re uncomfortable with the conversation.

You show up on time, even if others don’t.

Sometimes it’s what you don’t do that teaches the most. A client of mine, newly promoted to an executive role, went out with her team for drinks, as she had always done. But this time, something felt off. She didn’t feel comfortable with the banter and jokes, the gossip and the personal stories. She told me later, “I realized it wasn’t appropriate to act like one of the gang anymore.”

Nothing happened. But she knew it wasn’t the tone to be setting. And so she adjusted.

That’s why leadership isn’t just about strategy or decisions. It’s about the smallest behaviors. These tiny signals shape culture more than all the mission statements in the world. Because power teaches by example. And people are always watching.

So how do we use our rank, show up for the role we occupy, whether it’s got a title or not?

• Know what power you have. Whether you’re the decision-maker or the quiet example, you influence others. No matter what your influence is, it’s vital to own it.
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• Don’t wait for permission. Informal power isn’t granted, but recognized. No one gives it to us, nor do they tell us when to use it. We need to take that risk, speak up, shift the tone, and do what we wish others would do.
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• Stretch your range. Leadership might ask you to step outside your comfort zone. A friend recently had to close her company after 20 years. As a quiet and introverted person, delivering that news stretched her to lead in ways that didn’t come naturally. But it’s what the moment required.

Power doesn’t just come with responsibility. It comes with visibility. And people learn leadership by watching how you use yours.

Thanks for reading.