Power and the Paradox of Negative Aspiration

Here’s a story I hear often. It goes something like this.

Someone leaves [school/company/organization] frustrated with how [micromanaging/hostile/ toxic/abusive] the leaders are, and goes off to make a [better/kinder/more empowering/more open] one.

It’s a noble attempt. Unfortunately, though, this hero’s journey often turns dystopic as the founders eventually find themselves accused of some questionable behavior or wrongdoing, some way they exploited their power.

The problem is, being not like others is rebelling, but it’s not yet leading. It’s setting a negative aspiration which often backfires.

It’s easier, of course, to define yourself in opposition to something else. Saying that you are not your parents, your former boss, your enemy or opponent skips over the hard work of defining and specifying who you want to be, how you want to govern, parent, or lead. You stay in critic mode, never transitioning into leader mode.

This is why history is littered with stories of failed revolutions, of liberation fighters becoming tyrants. Why politicians who campaign by lambasting the government are lousy at governing. And why parents who define their parenting style as “not being like my Mother” find themselves saying one day, “Oh my gosh, I’ve turned into my mother!” It’s a psychological mindset shift from rebel to ruler and many never make it.

When it comes to power, however, it’s ridiculously easy to define ourselves in opposition because we needn’t look far for things to oppose. The bar is low, very low. We’re bombarded daily with egregious acts of power. As tempting as it may be to satisfy ourselves that we must be doing OK because we’re not like those others, it’s a recipe for using power poorly. Here’s why:

We’re stuck in the past

Being in opposition to something is to be stuck in an emotionally charged relationship with your past rather than building your future. Rejection is the flip side of imitation. Your choices and decisions are still being defined by someone or something else; they’re reactions against something, rather than thoughtful responses to the present situation.

We don’t illuminate the path forward

Setting a negative aspiration doesn’t illuminate the path forward. It doesn’t specify which behaviors you’re wanting to avoid, making it harder to learn from what didn’t work, why, and how to do better.

We don’t interrogate our own use of power

Because our eyes are permanently fixed on power “out-there,” we never look at power “in-here.” We don’t investigate how we use power. In fact, we don’t acknowledge we have any power. We’ve camped out in a low rank identity, pointing fingers at how everyone else is using power, so we fail to see how we may be stepping on others’ toes. This lets us off the hook, letting us justifying our behavior through “what-about isms,” and counter-accusations.

We overlook the micro-behaviors of power

Fundamentally, defining our rank and use of powers by measuring ourselves against others fails to illuminate the micro-behaviors of power, the minute-by-minute actions and inactions that we all execute, no matter our title, status, or rank. We use power in our decision of who speaks, whom we choose to listen to, and whom we interrupt. It’s used when we decide what topics to include and exclude on the agenda. It’s in the choice of communication channels, of setting the time and place of meetings, in whether we consider how these advantage some and disadvantage others. It’s in being consistently late to meetings, signaling that your time is more valuable, in responding or not responding to messages from certain people, and in cc’ing or not cc’ing people on emails to create anxiety and pressure.

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We don’t need to be in a role to have power. And whatever kind of power we have, we need to be intentional and thoughtful in how we want to use it. Setting a negative aspiration won’t get us there.

Instead, it’s more empowering and effective to set down a positive aspiration: What kind of boss do you want to be? What kind of adult do you want your child to be, and what parenting behaviors will help them get there? What specific behaviors and practices will help you create the culture you envision in your organization?

When the bar is set so low it begs the question, why should we strive to do better when people get away with, and are even rewarded for, their bad behavior? It’s a choice, but choosing to set your standards, to make deliberate, principled choices puts you in a seat of agency. It is far more psychologically empowering to chart your course rather than be swept along by the actions of others, whether by following them or reacting against them. The choice is in whether you control your actions or let others do so.