If you grew up in America, drummed into your head from an early age was the principle that “anyone can become President.”  That’s shorthand for one of the pillars of democracy: meritocracy. 

Meritocracy, the idea that anyone, based on their own skills and merit, can rise to the very top, is what drove the earliest colonists to the New World, to escape aristocracy and limited class-mobility.  It’s a pillar of democratic society, shot through all of our democratic institutions and practices. 

Most believe not only that meritocracy is the way the system should work, but is the way the system does work. We are where we are because of a fair and objective system of advancement, based on our skills, effort, and hard work. We decry any system that advantages one group over another as unfair and unmeritocratic. And yet, it’s a myth.

Consider This

One of the world’s most admired businessmen, famed investor and billionaire Warren Buffet, attributed his great success partly to the fact that he had to compete with only half of the population. He explained, “I mean, my sisters are as smart or smarter than I am, and my parents loved them with the same degree of intensity that they loved me, but they had different expectations about them, their teachers had different expectations about them.”

In other words, Warren Buffet admits he won unfairly.   

Nepotism, cronyism, and preferentialism are as old as time. And peering behind the curtain, it’s clear that the wheels of success are greased by nepotism and preferentialism in their various forms.

Presidents of the United States, from John Adams to Donald Trump have all had family members as advisors, aides, or secretaries on the government payroll. Politicians notoriously put their thumb on the scale to advantage friends, family, and allies. John F. Kennedy appointed his brother as Attorney General, which so annoyed the public that federal law was changed to prohibit such appointments.

Putting it into Play

We want to believe we arrived where we are based on our own steam, but getting ahead is far from a solo accomplishment. Rather, it’s the result of luck and countless assists: People who liked us and gave us a chance. Early managers who put in a good word for us. Family friends who made important introductions. The financial support of family or friends. 

So, no, there is no pure meritocracy.  There’s a lot of help and luck along the way. 

There’s no doubt systemic preferentialism, hidden and not so hidden practices and policies like legacy admissions, loopholes and tax breaks, do advantage one group over another. 

But preferentialism is also tribal. We tell family members and friends about open positions at work or recommend them to the hiring manager. We fast-track the hiring process for former colleagues. We give internships to our children, or those of our friends. We award business contracts to friends, bypassing the bidding process. We agree to mentor or coach our friend’s child, giving them a leg up in their career development. 

Where do we draw the line? Because relationships are a force multiplier. Good relationships, strong networks, the love of family and friends significantly accelerate our career, provide us with support and emotional strength, and allow us to achieve and succeed much more than we would on our own.  

A truly meritocratic society is a fiction, but we should also strive to make it a fact, strengthened by law, and practiced by people. How do we practice it? By ensuring we’re recommending someone truly deserving—experienced, skilled, or qualified—not just a quid pro quo. By holding everyone accountable, even friends and relatives, not turning a blind eye to those in our favor. And by ensuring we’re also extending opportunities to those outside our inner circle, those who may otherwise lack opportunities. 

It’s human nature to protect family and friends, to look out for those you like. And relationships do grease the wheels of success. The choice is whether we use this superpower just for our own tribe, or for the greater good.