It’s a Two-Way Street

My client’s struggling with his boss. “She just doesn’t give me any feedback,” he complained. “I honestly don’t think she cares about my growth.”

I asked, “Do you ask her for feedback?”

“Well… of course. I mean, I ask how I’m doing, and every time I ask, she just says, ‘You’re doing great.’”

“But have you asked for anything specific, maybe shared what kind of input would be helpful to you?”

“No,” he said, sounding annoyed, “She knows what I’m working on.”

“Does she realize how important feedback is to you? Maybe you need to tell her what you’re needing.”

He raised an eyebrow. I could tell he was thinking, “You’re not being helpful.”

It’s easy to fall into the story that your boss doesn’t care. And my client’s boss was undoubtedly sending signals that contributed to the story. But the power differential doesn’t change the fact that, in a way, this is like any relationship hiccup: one person needs something, assumes the other knows what it is, but hasn’t really checked. And instead of checking our assumptions, we let the power difference fill in the blanks: I’m not important. She doesn’t care. Or, “She’s critical or disappointed, but not saying anything.”

Later in our conversation, my client admitted, “I think I don’t feel important enough to ask for feedback.” And that became a self-fulfilling prophecy: I’m not important, so I don’t press for what I need. And look, see? I am not important to them either.

But the power story misses some key pieces. For instance, my client never asked for specifics, and never sat down and talked about his growth goals, and interest in feedback. He also never assumed that his boss might be uncomfortable or feels unsure how to give feedback well. He never entertained alternative stories: Maybe she thinks he simply wants encouragement. Or maybe, she’s responding to his lack of requests, assuming things are going well.

What my client didn’t like hearing from me, was that it’s his responsibility to get the feedback he needs.

Because power has to be a two-way street. If we don’t use the power we do have from the one-down position, we’re partly responsible. For any relationship across a power gap to work, both people need to be engaged. Both shape the relationship.

If you’re in a subordinate role, it’s tempting to wait, hoping the other person sees you, invests in you, and offers guidance. But you have power, too. And you can use it to step forward, speak up, name what you need. We can use our power to make it easier for the other person to do their part.

So how do you take the initiative in getting feedback?

How do you shape the relationship from the one-down position?

Invite feedback. Signal that you want it. Show you’re ready to hear it. Even guide it. Instead of asking, “Do you have any feedback for me?” (a dead-end question), or “How am I doing?” (a yes/no or good/back question) try:

“What specific goals should I work toward in order to improve my performance?”

“What could I focus more of my time on?”

“I’m trying to grow in managing stakeholder relationships—what would you want to see more or less of from me?”

Be specific. General questions get general answers. Try:

“What’s one thing I could improve in how I handled that meeting?”

“What stood out to you about my work on that project?”

Share your goals. Let your boss know what kind of growth you’re aiming for. You’re not just asking for approval, you’re wanting their guidance.

Consider timing. Your boss (like you!) is a very busy person. Put a meeting on their calendar to discuss feedback. Let them know in advance that you’d like to talk about your growth goals. Don’t just spring the question on them in the middle of a meeting. Feedback requires thought, consideration. Give them time to prepare, to have a thoughtful response.

How do you shape the relationship from the leadership role?

Being in a role of power doesn’t mean feeling powerful. And when it comes to feedback it’s easy to feel awkward or uncertain. You might worry about saying the wrong thing, hurt someone’s feelings, and then create more work for yourself.

But silence from a position of power never feels neutral. It always gets filled in. And usually, with the worst-case scenario.

That’s why your willingness to engage, even imperfectly, matters more than having the perfect script. Just showing that you’re taking the time to think about someone signals that you value them.

Be honest. Be honest about not knowing, or not being prepared. If you haven’t had time to think about it, say so. Make a date in the near future for the conversation, so you have time to prepare. Be honest about your awkwardness. You can say that you sometimes struggle to give helpful feedback, but that you want to be supportive. This lets the other person know that your signals, your silence is about you, not about them.

Be specific. Don’t let the person guess. The more specific you are, the more they understand what it is they have to improve. “Here’s what worked well. Here’s something I think could be stronger.” Being specific also includes sharing the impact or consequence. What will that improvement mean for your work, for the team, or for the organization?

Don’t confuse silence with ease. If someone isn’t asking for feedback, it might be because they don’t feel safe enough to. Or they’re afraid to appear needy. It’s important to take the initiative, to ask, and invite a conversation.

When there’s a communication gap, especially across power differentials, we fill it with stories, often stories that exaggerate the worst case scenario.

Whether you’re in a position of authority or talking up to one, don’t underestimate your power to shape the interaction.
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