I’m Not OK

Research on the personality traits of leaders shows that leaders tend to be more assertive, calm, confident, and unflappable than the average person. And we like this. We expect leaders to project strength and certainty. But what happens when the person in the role doesn’t feel strong, certain, or composed?

Consider this

Congressman Ritchie Torres struggles with depression, something we know because he talks about it openly. He shares his experience not as confession, but as an act of leadership. “It might be tempting to think that the power and prestige of public office insulates you from the feelings of personal inadequacy that depression produces,” he writes. In reality, public life often intensifies those struggles.

Torres chooses to speak publicly to encourage others to seek help and to push for mental health care to be treated on par with physical health. He doesn’t hide his struggle behind his leadership, but uses his leadership to show the struggle.

Putting it into play

Life is hard. Some days are harder than others. And leadership doesn’t pause for our pain. We lead with our vulnerabilities, not in spite of them.

In Jewish tradition, after the loss of a loved one, people wear a torn ribbon on their clothing as a visible marker of grief. Work continues, life continues, but the struggle is acknowledged, not hidden or erased.

Owning our pain doesn’t diminish us. It makes us more human, more relatable, and ultimately steadier as leaders. Strength is not an absence of struggle, but the willingness to wear it with honesty.